The underpinnings of perfectionism go back to the faulty belief that there is more power in what we do than in who we are. The roots of this go back to the insecurity spawned in the garden when Adam and Eve turned from their Creator’s ways to their own devices, and the fracturing that resulted. Their choice of autonomy over communal harmony altered the entire frontier of humanity, reaching from their generations to ours. Instead of building a foundation of success, they created a burdensome climate in which there was ultimately only failure at the farthest reach available. And anything that seemed like success was only self-deception.
We cannot be all that we were intended to be alone. We were created to be dependent, and interdependent. (Not codependent; more on that later.) When we assume we are self-sufficient, we are either unaware of this truth, are choosing to ignore, or are arrogant enough to suppose that we can succeed by our own efforts.
Scripture points out the necessary connection we have with our Creator as that of a vine and a branch: the branch receives life-giving nutrients from the vine, and if it is separated from its source, it can produce nothing, not even its own livelihood. Why, then, do we try to be autonomous, and act as if every situation is in our hands alone to change, fix or alter? A branch connected to a vine can thrive as long as it is attached. It receives life-giving nutrients as part of the exchange, which requires its full surrender to the vine. The analogy is obvious. If we are to remain in the place of thriving and health, we must stay connected to our master and maker. There is a joy in doing so, even when life is happening all around us in a way we didn’t expect.
Circumstances can be difficult, sin issues can rage, but there is a place of calm and sustenance regardless when we rest in our place in the vine which is Christ and His unending flow of love for us. He relates to our suffering and misgiving and grief and yearnings. He knows well what it is to be rejected, even by those closest at times. He also lives to make intercession for us, which means whatever we are going through, He has already funneled his own intentionality of seeking our greater good through any and every circumstance of life. He is ceaselessly, changelessly good, and we can depend on him for all the things we do not understand and can’t see. His ways are higher than ours, his thoughts higher as well. His view encompasses the big picture, so we are extremely blessed when we can lay aside our own agenda and be Spirit-led. He nurtures us back to health when we are unwell. If can take some time and maybe even a little practice to get a grip on just how the Spirit operates.
What is amazing is to contemplate who Jesus was in light of this subject of perfectionism. He alone was able to reach into the perfect heights of heaven, even as he stood on the earth and was laid in its depths. Not only did he weigh our debts upon his very being, he held us in the palm of his hand as a God who cares, as a God who wins and never loses. It is hard for us to fathom that in the paradigm in which we find ourselves. How Christ could come to suffer and die, and by that, be a winner. It makes me think that the lens by which we view winning and losing is itself warped to meet the individual rather than the greater, universal good.
How we hand off our weapons to one another is a great indicator of how we comprehend the things of the spirit. We know we are in the midst of a spiritual battle bigger than any of us: but the flesh has a perpetual bent to subscribe only to its own yearnings. We cannot share tools or weapons if we think it is only about our own advancement. The truth is that we really cannot advance without one another. The tools in our hands are our weapons in the spirit. They have mighty power for the demolishing of strongholds when consecrated to the work of God. Our weapons are what we use to protect ourselves, our livelihood, that of others. They may be actual tools such as computers, pens, notebooks, musical instruments, email accounts, paintbrushes and canvases: basically, whatever we use to communicate the good news of the gospel of Jesus. We are given them and we are given our speech, to share the good we have witnessed, and to let others know they can experience the undying love of a generous and compassionate Savior that loves to forgive and to heal and to reconcile. The blood debt was paid by the only righteous man that ever walked this earth. We can live and love and move as He did when we choose not to throw stones, but instead to help the hurting and the wounded to regain their lives again. Not all sin is the result of rebellion: some have had sins committed against them, and that is why Jesus said it is better that a millstone be put around the neck of the one who leads little ones into sin. We are not strong enough to carry this load ourselves. It was not designed to work that way. We need the help of Christ, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light to make good on our promise to shine our light. We certainly want to bear fruit for the Kingdom, but He doesn’t expect us to do it without his help. Our work is first to believe! He positions us and puts us in places of respect not for our own glory but because it helps to point the way to His sinless son. People need to hear, need to see, need to know truth.
Peter was known as ‘the rock.’ He must have been a stubborn man! I am not unfamiliar with that kind of orientation. The rock is the absolute firmest kind of foundation. It will not move. Jesus is also described as a rock. With him is security, and firmness, unwavering truth, consistency, stability and surety. There is no place we can find any other so immovable and changeless.
Perfectionism is fictionalized wisdom. It takes the place of the read deal, which is raw and at times fraught with temptation and complaint. Such tendencies do not present an excuse to fail, but rather, are a humble admission of the sins that so easily beset the human condition. We can at times feel the need to patch ourselves up with this or that to cover over our own insecurities. Many people commit to things they don’t even want to do because they fear abandonment of people, opportunities and places as a result of their own lack of participation. It can be a great substitute for actually engaging in what one is called to do, which may seem too messy, risky, or just downright scary. We can become so obsessed with finishing well, we forget to really show up for the process that gets us there. And yet, that process is what makes us ready not only to finish, and to finish well, but to finish with understanding. We do not want to see things broken along the way, least of all, ourselves. We hunker down and wait for certain storms to pass until things seem staid and familiar again, until we feel perfectly safe venturing forth. This is actually what keeps us in a rut, prevents us from going to the depths we were intended to experience. We repeat a similar cycle over and over and over again, not realizing we are holding ourselves back from growth that will actually produce exponentially.
But what are some of the mindsets that keep us from following through with the true acknowledgement that none of us has it all together, we are all flawed?
By grace you have been saved, through faith; this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, so that no one can boast. It is a level playing ground. We need to see ourselves apart from the opinions of others. If we can only keep our head up when we are exposed to our own flaws, recognizing that we are all flaws, and all need the grace of God in order to continue on our path. We often create obstructions without even realizing it. It’s not even that we see ourselves as exalted above others, but we can absorb ideas from other places that seem like we’re being forthright and true when in reality we have constructed conditions to live under and by that bear no relation to any other reality than our own.
One of the mindsets that keeps us trying to walk upright but that actually is a spongy foundation is the belief that we must hold it all together. Colossians (1?) says that “in him all things hold together.” What then is our part? We must come into line with the freedom that Christ paid so dearly to provide for us. His unconditional love, His mercy and unending grace are our sure foundation. When we fail, even after trying again and again, or perhaps when we fail because we haven’t tried hard enough, we need to know and to understand this great God we are born to know made us to experience love at a level which is beyond words. It is the fuel that motivates us to do what we are called to do, and it desires to return to the place from which it came, namely, the heart of God. It desires to increase, and to see others set free. No one ha ever seen the height or depth or breadth of this love. It is the place we came from, and for those in Christ, the place to which we will one day return.
When we step back and look at our progress as we go along in pursuit of whatever vision we are trying to fulfill, we may see plenty of places where our feet have gotten no traction because of being built on the sponginess of presuppositions that are not founded in anything more substantial than some general observation made about the culture, or what someone else of influence said needed to happen, or to settle some score with someone from the past, perhaps not even in one’s life anymore or not even alive. These are the kinds of motivations that can especially plague perfectionists, who not only try to do things right, but try to accomplish them well in terms of process. It is not possible however to walk and never trip or misstep. We don’t like to admit this, but it is the way of things, and try as we might, it is impossible not to have some trip-ups along the way. Perhaps the purpose of trip-ups is to remind us that it really isn’t all about us, and to breed compassion for those who are trying to get back on track in their lives and livelihood. We become connected to all of humanity with its foibles and flailings, and can admit to seasons in dry deserts devoid of faith and hope and love. We can be moved to reach out to those still in the desert place once we have moved on with the newfound understanding we have gained through whatever trial we’ve been led through. It is not enough to claim what Christ fought for, we need to become reconciled in our actions to live in accordance with what He has preordained for us to accomplish.
And yet, that sort of injunction can lead the recovering perfectionist squarely back to the place of frustration. As with any process, it takes time to not only figure out how to progress through what can be an uncharted territory to a place of reasonable forward momentum, but additionally, to relax and to relent. The relenting is the letting go of needing to be in control, to the place of simply dwelling.