Perfectionism. Sometimes seen as an asset, but to those who suffer from its debilitating dictums cloaked as wisdom, a scourge. What exactly is it, or perhaps better framed in the negative: what isn’t it? While many treatises on the topic exist, this book attempts to diagnose the issue from the perspective of an ordinary person growing up with the sense that the extraordinary was something to achieve but was never actually attainable. I hope, through my own voice, experience, and that of the testimony of others presented within these pages to discuss alternative measures to making one’s way through the path of life that does not require a sense of being perpetually unequipped, lagging behind, and staying behind closed doors when ‘everyone else’ has come out to play.
Perfectionism is by definition destined to fail. Like placing fine glassware in the hands of a toddler. How do we thwart its seductive call to achieve what will always elude us? It goes without saying that a life journey does not rest cordially with anything even close to the concept of perfect. Several antidotes to the malady of perfectionism are suggested, not so much strident antithetical views. Let’s call ir for what it is: perfectionism is damaging. Yet, it cloaks its arrogant hopelessness in the clothing of excellence. How do those who have labored under the dictates of perfectionism, being told (whether by a voice from within or without, the result is the same)one is perpetually falling short, try to measure up, or you will work your hardest but you will never achieve enough.
How do we redirect momentum instead to the pursuit of excellence that sometimes shows up disguised as a mess?
Measuring Down
By no means do I wish to suggest that we should strive for excellence. In fact, striving for excellence is the only true antidote for perfectionism. But what that is needs to be more clearly defined, or it can look and in essence be no different than the death march of perfectionism.
We’ve all been told or made to feel at one point or another that we simply aren’t measuring up. What, exactly does that mean? If we are growing in maturity, we cannot reach a stature until we have developed into it. There are no shortcuts—strength is the measure of patience being worked out through diligence and consistency.
But why we do it is the difference! When we recognize that we merely reflect the light not of our own making, our efforts are to position ourselves to more fully receive it. A holistic leveling must take place that views the self as unconditionally loved, no matter the stage of development, and embraces the progressive path of growth, with all its yearnings, setbacks, pitfalls and misjudgments. It recognizes that just as all have different gifitngs and capacities, stamina and energy is not equally apportioned: we can only “live up to the measure we have already attained.” That means not comparing ourselves to others. One person may seem to excel in an area when actually putting forth little effort—whereas another may seem to enjoy only mediocre outcomes, but if the amount of dedication and energy invested could be seen, it would reveal a different story of success.
While there certainly are exceptions, most of us are raised to avoid messes, senseless roving and the stupor of the unknown.
Perhaps that is the most culpable aspect of perfectionism: in the name of achievement and success, it fails every time as it is motivated by a desire to cover what is usually a deep-seated sense of shame by the premature appearance of something meaningful, worthy, significant.
Perfectionism operates from a place of fear, control, and often superficiality. It rejects process, hates trial and error. Hates mistakes, hates faith, and hates the abiding patience that ultimately leads to liberation from its relentless negativity.
And yet, we are called to: “work out our salvation with fear (respect) and trembling.”
Perfectionism is an attempt to appear well, to prove oneself as worthy. It works about as well to cover our perceived vulnerabilities as a fig leaf does for underclothing.
How to decimate perfectionism and its arsenal of criticism and negation? Consider first what it includes:
Fear of what others might say, do or think about you
Fear of failure
Fear of not having enough to do what you’re called to do
Being overly critical of self and others
Skeptical about or unable to receive one’s own accomplishments
Countermeasure: Humility
An honest appraisal of one’s limitations and places in need of growth or shoring up is the first step to fruitful humility. It is key to note that the very places we need strength are the places we need encouragement and affirmation in order to be fortified to move in honor and grace. For some, and perhaps for many, our original foundation was subpar: either kicked out from underneath us, rotted out by neglect, or perhaps never really existed. We can ask that the resources of heaven be allocated to the places inside missing something. And from there, to rest assured, not on our word or the words of others, but solely on the word of God which states for reasons both of bolstering and practical application that “His strength is made perfect in (my) weakness.” The transformation is usually a process that spans a lifetime.
That is why, when surrendered, we can literally boast about our shortcomings; God gets the glory for being the restorer of all things.
Countermeasure: Freedom of Choice
Also known as freewill, divinely given freedom of choice is a ‘perfect’ example of how a perfect God allows the imperfection of man’s at times faulty choices to manifest. It bears noting that perfectionism and control often go hand in hand.
[blank page with this verse only: Perfect love casts out all fear. ~I John 4:18
Fear vs. Love
There are times where it seems fear is the only choice, where worry seems inevitable. Interacting with our shame over our inability to not fear or not worry is a defeatist tactic, even if well-meaning. The way to not fear or not worry is to not introduce another negative onto the scene, but to actually move in the opposite spirit. A friend once made the point that since worry is employing imagination negatively, why not imagine something positive instead? It is all conjecture, and what is to be gained by imagining scenarios which may never exist? It is actually a form of deception when believed, and actions are taken to thwart a potentially ill outcome.
Since perfectionism is all about creating an experience of that which is perfect, it is also laced in deception. Anyone who believes it is possible to be perfect is behaving in a childish fashion. I think it may be true that whoever finds themselves in bondage to perfectionism has a childish mindset, which lures them into the place of trying to accomplish that which can never be achieved, at least not how its been envisioned.
Grace
We all need a bail out at times, and sometimes it occurs naturally or by way of happenstance. Grace is a very needful element dwelling in a fallen realm where mishaps are more common that not, where entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics is the way of things. We are all fallen creatures, and yet, there is a dynamic at work that transforms our way of seeing ourselves, seeing the world, and seeing each other. Grace is a direct result of the Father’s love for us, and He has commanded a blessing wherever we place our feet as we reside in that place. It is a place that offers us room to move around, to play, to grow, to be, to breathe. We are all equally in need of grace, even if the need for it shows up in different ways at different times in each of us.
Understanding that it is going to look different for different people is part of growing one’s perspective on exactly what grace is: it is a multi-faceted wonder of God’s own creation. It is what covers things when there is not enough coverage;
He comes in and offers to help, to share of his goodness, to fill in the cracks, to repay the damage, to make the wrongs right. Then, He also uses the damage, the troubled places, and begins to rebuild something new out of the wreckage and the chaos. He doesn’t do everything for us: He has made us to be builders, too—created in His image, and created to be stewards of this good earth and of each other’s heart and well-being.
We can get so caught up in the hurts of this world, we begin to think as the world thinks, with distrust and skepticism. Unfortunately, people break their word in many ways, and sometimes we get on a carousel of cynicism. It doesn’t help when we allow ourselves to become callused by circumstances, which prevent us from seeing things as they really are.
We have been called to renew our minds, to keep our hearts and souls refreshed with the edges of heaven, that which we can glimpse with our mortal beings, not worn down by the rough edges of this earth. We are beings intended for light and glory, and yet it is easy to get mired in the cares of the world. We’ve been intended to be translators for the weary travelers of this world that a place of true perfection and peace exists, and a new earth will one day replace this one.
How do we handle the disappointments of the perfection we still have a divine blueprint of in our sometimes faltering hearts? We know by hard-learned experience that this world lets us down in countless ways, and yet, we retain a sense of how things are meant to be. As long as we know that our sense of that which is right is not always going to be realized, we have come a long way to being free of the heaviness which inevitably comes alongside a shattered dream. We can fight and chafe against circumstances which we wish were different, but the causeway of grace is what is going to bring us through every time. It doesn’t mean that we will necessarily be on board with how things go, at least initially: but it does mean that what is best will take place, given all the moving parts. What our God can see is so far beyond the scope of our imagination, it would be silly to think that what we understand is in any way near what He can, and not only that, but what He can do given our various degrees of separation from the realities of this world, and realizing His glory in it all, and our own glory that He gives to each of His children.
Stewarding the glory he gives to each one of us is the key to the puzzle piece that always seems lacking. We begin to slowly redefine perfection on His terms, not on our own terms. It isn’t some magic trick or sleight of hand, it is reality that He can and does create and call things that are not as if they were, and if we are dwelling in a place of obedience, how much more we can see! We are called to be co-heirs with Christ, not merely servants, and yet, Christ humbled himself as a servant. It was his choice to do so, and we are offered the same choice. We may know it is what is best, but until we actually walk in the humility of Christ, there are depths we will never understand, and places in the spirit we will never experience. His love over and through us will be the same, that will never change: but our ability to co-create will be diminished.
The ultimate form of the Imperfectly Perfect is when we join ourselves to Christ. He has made a way for us to do so, and he willingly gave up the benefits of being a son of royalty to do so. He modeled a pattern for us to follow, and wants us to demonstrate that same to each other.
There are times we feel ashamed, debased—beyond humbled, actually demeaned. This is not the space God would have us move in. He gently heals and cleans us, removes that which takes the form of destitute thinking and replaces it with His judgment over us, that we are clean, that we are free, that we are desired and moveable within this created realm to affect other souls for the kingdom. He wants us to take ownership not so much of our power as of our vulnerability, where we get to reside in the place of His ownership of us. He wants us to let go of what we cannot control, and to let the light of His love shine over the places we cannot see or understand.
Partnering with the divine is not natural, it is supernatural. We have to let go of what we seek to deliver, and instead, see about delivering what He has for us to deliver. What is great is that the pressure is off of us to try to be perfect. We try instead to be whole, in terms of completing what needs to be completed, but not endeavoring to extend ourselves beyond what we can handle. God wants to make up the difference for us; he only wants us to admit our weakness, and then, to see that He is strong in the very place of our weakened areas. He wants us to wholeheartedly enter in to what he’s planned and pre-ordained for us to have and to do while on this earth, and when we do, we are able to see into the Kingdom and that which is beyond what we could ever endeavor on our own.
The Imperfectly Perfect, even as the name suggests, is not something that is possible outside of the divine. It is a place of paradox, and there are many within our faith: the last shall become first, the first shall become last. Every mountain will be made low, every valley will be raised. The resurrection of the dead has taken place, new life has come from the place of destitution, and the old has become new!
The plans God has for each of us is great, and greater than what we can know or produce on our own. We only need to give in to His greatness, His goodness, and acknowledge that He is so far above and beyond what we can even ask or think or imagine: and that is precisely what he wants to do in and through us to a waiting, wearing and watching world that needs to see the supernatural at work in the places of chaos and dismay. Sit back and enjoy the action of the Spirit as he does what He alone can do!
We sometimes feel like outcasts within our own souls and lives. We do not know which way is the way to go in order to live our best lives, even before God. Our best place is to try not to “do.” We are baited by the belief that the more we do, the better things will be when in reality, the more we wait (on God), the better things will be.
There is an addiction to always being right that gets in the way of true follow-through. In the struggle to always come out on top, certain processes are never undertaken that would ultimately lead to different outcomes if they were followed to their logical extreme. The obsession to always be right is a sort of idolatry that focuses on self, and does not know the path of humility, which does not mind taking the time to complete something properly, regardless of how that process may look. So, it seems there is an inherent superficiality to the perfectionist quest.
The rewards of not being so miserly focused on self are great. This writer is still discovering what they are, in glimpses that reveal this truth. But it reality, it is something I am still discovering and will surely be pondering its mystery for a long time. Examples can show up in all kinds of ways. When we were renovating our kitchen and needed to replace countertops, we found there was an issue with the placement of new pipes relative to the back wall of the where the new cabinetry was to go. The plumber was trying to explain how many elbows in the line he would need to employ to get around the new sink pipe. My husband suggested that the pipes instead run along the back wall, and which would require the simply yet elegant extension of the countertop edge by a few inches. Not only was it impossible to tell the countertop was a little larger than standard, but it resulted in a nice extra ledge for placement of dishes and related things. What had seemed like a problem, when reframed, literally turned out to be a selling point for the kitchen.
Another example: when I leave things in a slightly jumbled mess, it seems I always have what is needed at my fingertips for that next unexpected event. When I am being too neat and trying to control every element, some of the mess required for there to be fertile ground for that next breakthrough or project simply isn’t there.
Trying to maintain a balance between order and a relative degree of not so much chaos as happy randomness is the goal.